If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
