What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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