I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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