His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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