She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
