Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
