Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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