Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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