No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
