it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize