dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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