My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
