my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
