During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
