Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
