I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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