Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
