I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
