How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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