It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
