Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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