I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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