someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
