When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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