i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
