Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
not ubering you a puppy
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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