I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
