they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
