just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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