True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
