I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
