I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
