when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
