Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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