I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize