If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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