Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
