how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
