She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
smell my finger.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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