People in love make me want to vomit
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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