3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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