someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
