Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
