I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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