I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
