My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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