R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
