I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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