people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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