i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
His hands were made for my vagina.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
