i just google imaged poop.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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