Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
