I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
