i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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