dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
