You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize