I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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