he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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