This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
